May 29, 2017
advice articles
The First Time

The First Time

First off because of you two I came out to my friends and family as a gay male I got positive responses. Now for the advice. Do you guys think that it would be a good idea from the start of a relationship to abstain from any sexual behavior for about 6 weeks to 2 1/2 months from the start of the relationship, and how as a gay virgin do you both think I and my future partner go about my and his first time if he is a virgin time doing the whole sex thing? Now I’ve done some self prep but I know that means little.

Sincerly,

Sterling Holmes

P.S. – Love you both. And thank you for what you do.

First of all, congrats on your successful coming out experience! I know I speak for Will, too, when I say that we’re both absolutely thrilled for you and that we are so glad that we could contribute to it in our own small way. Plus it sounds like you’re also in your first gay relationship, for which I’d also like to extend my congratulations. I hope you two are enjoying yourselves!

Speaking of which, that leads me to the sex question. Let me start by saying that sex, especially sex while in a relationship, is something that varies. People can give you their opinions one way or another but the bottom line is this: it’s your body and you can do what you please with it. Same goes for him. So if you guys want to wait a while before you two hand over your v-cards, so be it. When it comes to sex, especially sex for the first time, there’s a certain level of trust required. If it takes you guys 6 weeks or two months or one day or one year to build up that trust, then it’s what needs to be done. There’s no book on when you’re supposed to lose your virginity, it happens whenever you’re ready. Some are ready in their mid-teens. Others aren’t until they’re in their twenties. You can take it as fast or as slow as you want.

In the meantime, since you’re both rather inexperienced when it comes to gay sex, one suggestion you two might want to try is educating yourselves together. Since you both are in the same position, getting informed together would help make sure that you two are on the same page when it comes time to do the dirty deed. Furthermore, even though the topic may make you two blush around each other, you two are going to eventually get comfortable talking about it with each other (if you still want to pursue a relationship, that is). You guys can look information online, as most people tend to enjoy privacy with this sort of thing. If you guys are feeling mischievous, you could even view a few “instructional videos” together. If you two are really brave, you could even seek out a session of some kind from any local organizations that promote sexual health. Simply put, if you guys are going to take this step together, it’s good for you to both know what you guys are getting yourselves into.

As a side point, I will interject one personal opinion of mine regarding the loss of one’s v-card. While it is very important to wait for someone you trust, I’ve seen a lot of virgins, especially gay virgins, build up unrealistic fears and/or expectations about their first time. I’m not saying that you or your sweetheart fall into this category, but it’s something I have witnessed a lot. Because sex is still relatively new thing for both of you, it is a big deal in you guys’ eyes. It’s a lot like driving, at least for the purpose of this simile. The first time you get behind the wheel, you’re nervous, you’re excited, it’s exhilarating, it’s something you’ll remember for the rest of your life. As life goes on though, it simply becomes another part of your life. Sometimes it’s a lot of fun. Sometimes it’s dull. Point is, it’s a big deal right now, but once you do it more and more, your perspective shifts. It’s also important that your first drive is special to you, whether you’re driving in a Mustang or a Miatta or a Maserati or a…another car that starts with “M”. Alright, that’s enough of that metaphor. Here’s where I’m going with this: a lot of virgins I knew and still know are waiting because they want everything to be perfect and special. They want it with candles and music and the man of their dreams and all of that stuff. They’re refusing to drive until they’re behind the wheel of a Mercedes (damn it with the metaphor again). That’s their prerogative, but they’re going to have to wait a long time to get their hands on one unless they’re insanely lucky. Meanwhile, the first drive I look was in a beat-up ’86 Toyota 4-Runner. The car was older than me, but I still loved it. It may not have been perfect, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t special.

So, short answer, you guys take as much time as you need until you guys are both willing to give yourselves to each other for the first time. Just don’t build the entire experience to be something it’s not. You guys are both walking the path towards becoming mature, healthy, sexually active adults.

So go have some fun, you two, because that’s what it’s all about!

-RJ

About RJ

RJ is a blogger/vlogger/writer and the other half of the NotAdamandSteve duo. When he's not making videos or writing stuff online he's usually working out, traveling, telling you factoids you never asked for, working out, or spending quality time with his new husband and German Shepherd.

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