Do you think it is 100% necessary to have sex while in a relationship?
I mean, I know as gay men there is this stereotype that all we do is screw, but it’s never been a big deal to me and my partner. We meet online (long distance dating for 3 months) and then we did the big dip and moved to be with each-other..and we have been happy ever since. We are going on 4 years.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, we have sex just maybe not every month and we have a few friends that are close that poke fun or think that it’s odd that we don’t do it weekly or daily. Call us odd or old fashioned, but sometimes kissing and cuddling are more than enough for us…
Just wanted to get an opinion from a gay couple that we have grown to respect.
I’m absolutely thrilled that you sent this question in, because you are absolutely right. Men in general, get stereotyped as having more balls than brains. Since we gays are men who want relationships with other men, we get pegged more often as the horndogs in heat. And let’s face it, if apps like Grindr are any indication, lots of us are indeed more than willing to play to that stereotype.
But there are plenty of gay stereotypes out there. Society says that we’re all supposed to have a sense of fashion and love Lady Gaga and feel comfortable rocking a pair of four-inch pumps. Oh, and let’s not forget that we’re also supposed to have lisps and limp wrists. But, as you probably already know, not every gay man fits these stereotypes either. Just like you, I often have my balls affectionately busted by fellow gays who know that I’ve never had a facial or have no interest wearing canvas shoes or watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Sure, I can rock the shit out of some pumps when I want to, but I still get teased all the time for being “straight-acting”.
But who cares? You have found yourself in a loving committed relationship, and every relationship, gay or straight, is different. What works for one relationship doesn’t necessarily need to work for another. As long as you two function, who cares what other people may think? Just because you and your boyfriend don’t fit perfectly into someone’s box doesn’t mean that you should be made to feel like something’s wrong.
While I won’t say that sex is 100% necessary for a relationship, I would say that physical intimacy is. Sex is part of that intimacy, but there’s a lot more to it than that. It’s also being able to share a bed or a shower and not make out every single time it happens. It’s about accepting the fact that your partner has bowel movements. It’s about being able to stand naked in front of your partner and not feel self-conscious. It’s basically about being comfortable around each other, and slowly letting those physical and emotional boundaries disappear. But it sounds like the two of you are already there. As a matter of fact, at the four-year mark, I’d say that you two are at a pretty normal spot in terms of the physicality of your relationship.
To everyone else reading this, especially you single people and those of you in brand-new relationships, listen up. Make no mistake that, with most relationships, the initial phase is intensely passionate. Will and I were no exception. When he and I first started dating, we humped like rabbits. Will might kill me for admitting this, but he even failed one class in his undergrad program because he and I were too busy doing it to study. But that level of passion doesn’t last forever (and thank God for that, or else we’d never get anything done). Will and I have definitely tapered off from getting it on once or even more than once a day. We still mess around on a regular basis, but like these two, we’re often just as content cuddling up in bed or sharing a nice long kiss. After a certain amount of time, love goes from quickening your pulse and making you sweat to being more soothing and relaxing. It has to do with biology. Initially, your brain is dominated by one chemical that acts like an amphetamine. After 18-24 months, though, it becomes dominated by oxytocin, what’s known as “the cuddle hormone”. It’s that relaxing buzz you get when you press your face against someone special.
So Chris, rest assured that, when it comes to your relationship, no one can determine what’s right and wrong except you and your partner. There’s no rule that says that you have to have sex a certain amount of times in a relationship or even at all. Point is, you’ve found each other and you’ve managed to make it work. To the rest of you, know that a relationship is more than just P in A, or P in V, or P in M, or V on V, or M on V, or whatever dirty combination of letters that you can think of. Relationships are about much more than sex, and anyone who tells you otherwise is just kidding themselves.