Here is my dilema: I am in a four year relationship with the man of my dreams. I have absolutely zero complaints and we have not even had a single argument. Being with him makes me more calm, stable and healthy, to where all of my friends see a difference. The problem is, he has to move away (over seas) for three years due to work. I have been at my job for 22 years and since I take care of my mother and grandmother, it is not feasible for me to move at this point. I honestly do not know how I will be able to deal with this. When I think about it, I cry. Now, I can see my behavior changing and not in a good way. I lost my only other love to an automobile accident and I never really got over it. I don’t mind waiting for him, but is it fair to put that pressure on him? I want him to enjoy himself. If he wants to wait for me, God bless him, but if he finds something better, he deserves the opportunity. I have not told him about my self-destructive thoughts as I know this is hard on him already. This experience will change our lives, but I don’t yet know how. My number one priority is his happiness. I come in a distant second. Any suggestions?
I feel like this has to be one of the toughest situations: whenever you’re in a relationship that makes you perfectly happy and something inconvenient must separate you from your loved one. Sometimes the circumstances can be drastic, like those with Shane Bitney Crone and his boyfriend that recently flooded the internet last May. His boyfriend, if you don’t already know, was ripped away from him when he fell from the top story of a building (it was not suicide). I couldn’t imagine the torture that Shane had/has to endure.
However, luckily for you, your lover isn’t dead, he’s just moving. Even though there will be a considerable distance in between the two of you, that doesn’t mean things have to end. Long distance relationships seem scary because they fail so often, but I only believe that’s true for couples who aren’t dedicated. For RJ and myself, it wasn’t the end of our relationship when he moved to Los Angeles. True, it was in the same country and for only 3 months, but we didn’t even consider the possibility of us ending our relationship. When you know you have something special with someone, you make it work no matter what curve ball life happens to throw at you. I would take a step back and try to objectively assess how dedicated you two are to each other. If you think you’re substantially in this “for the long haul”, then it seems like it’s a simple matter of him moving and you getting to go visit him every once in a while on vacation (definitely gives you an excuse to get out, right?). I know this all may sound naive but what I’m trying to express is that this doesn’t have to be the end if you two don’t want it to be. If the love is there, you two will find a way to make it work.
In the mean time, it will be difficult to not have him around. That much I can appreciate. But, in my humble opinion, if this other guy is “the one” then it would be selfish of you to not be willing to make the sacrifice to let him pursue his career in order to better establish a future for the two of you. That was my mindset for letting RJ go out to LA. It wasn’t pleasant being away from him, but I knew the decision was for the best.
I’m making some HUGE assumptions here: I’m assuming that you and him are serious and committed enough to see this location-separation through to the end, but only the two of you can really decide that. I say approach him and get an uncomfortably honest discussion going as to whether the relationship is feasible or will falter after this move. Just know before you go into the discussion that many couples (especially those including military personnel) have survived lost separations with infrequent visits. It’s tough, no doubt about that, but if it’s love, then it’s worth it.