June 27, 2017
advice articles
Keeping Relationships Alive

Keeping Relationships Alive

Hey Will and RJ, what do you all think is important to keep a relationship going?

gay-dating-couple7I am so, so, so, so, SO glad that you asked that question, because it raises a very important point that’s held especially true for Will and me in recent months.

See, we’ve talked quite a bit on here about relationships. More specifically, we’ve talked about all of the different things that need to be there for a relationship to work. You’ve got to be compatible: physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. You’ve got to have enough in common to be able to communicate, but be different enough to keep things interesting. You’ve got to both be in the right place in your life for a relationship. Your goals have to sync up somehow. You have to share similar enough values. There’s all this stuff that needs to be there for a relationship to work. A foundation, if you will, along with certain building blocks for you to use to build long term happiness.

But that alone isn’t enough.

elderly-couple-walkBeing in a relationship takes effort. Constant effort, actually. Because even if you have all of the necessary materials to build a structure…you still have to actually build the thing. And that takes time and effort. Luckily, that just means spending time together, and time together that you actually enjoy. It means putting effort into doing special and romantic things for each other. It means being thoughtful and paying attention the next time you get them a gift. It means making your partner feel special as often as possible. There are times when it’s going to seem inconvenient and impractical to do those sorts of things, but trust me when I say that you need to make them happen as often as you can. Those moments and memories and happiness are going to come in handy when you hit the rough patches.

And yes, there will be rough patches. There will be disagreements and fights and all-out screaming matches at times. There will be unpleasant discussions that are painful but necessary. There will be nights when all you want to do is go to bed, but you can’t, because your partner has something that they need to talk about. Anyone who tells you that being in a relationship is all fun and cute is lying. There are times when it sucks harder than an F5 tornado. But that’s okay…because when you find yourself asking the question “why the hell am I even with this person at all?” you’ll have more than enough happy memories to draw from.

piggybankThink of your relationship kind of like a bank account. Any time you do something nice or special for each other, you make a deposit. Any time you guys have a disagreement, argument, or any other rough patch, you make a withdrawal. It’s obviously in your best interest to make deposits as often as you can, so that you’re more than covered when the inevitable expense comes along. And in a way, that’s been the difficulty that Will and I have been having recently. See, since we both get so busy juggling all of this along with full time jobs, it can be difficult to find time to make those necessary deposits. That was getting us into trouble when it came time to make our unpleasant but necessary withdrawals. It’s not that we don’t love each other, it’s just that life has a tendency to try to get in the way. And sometimes, the only way to have time is to make time…and that’s precisely what we’ve done with out “weekly date” rule. When it comes to keeping relationships alive, it’s all about putting in the effort to make sure that the positive outweighs the negative, and that’s something that both people need to be prepared to work towards.

So if you’re in a relationship, make sure that you and your partner make it a point to keep the romance alive, no matter how inconvenient it may seem at times. Hopefully, they’ll make it a point to return the favor, which will then help you two enjoy your time together that much more.

About RJ

RJ is a blogger/vlogger/writer and the other half of the NotAdamandSteve duo. When he's not making videos or writing stuff online he's usually working out, traveling, telling you factoids you never asked for, working out, or spending quality time with his new husband and German Shepherd.


  1. RJ’s initial criteria for relationships to work are, in themselves, a supremely tall order. If you have sufficient compatibility to make it to this stage then – quite frankly – you’d be insane not to do everything you possibly can to make the deposits necessary to build up an excess of love for when those inevitable arguments occur.
    Are human beings innately selfish and single-minded? Many believe so. However, if that’s the case then it’s a very bleak future we share. I’d like to think that it’s well worth the often painful compromises to share that unique gift that such love brings us.
    And to those of us who haven’t found that love, please don’t despair or shut yourself away. Love comes in many splendid forms and all of us are called to share in the banquet.

  2. great advice rj

  3. wow these is worth reading!, good advice I think this could help and gave others in a relationship some advice in helping how to stay together if they truly want it to work. will and rj my not be perfect no one is but you can see there truly in love with oneother and they work hard to stay that way to me these guys are truly a gay relationship honestly nothing fakenor sugar coated.

  4. This really worth reading, great one RJ! Me and my ex boyfriend used to do such things. Do something good and special for each other every now and then. Nothing so huge but small things, cook for each other, having a candle light at home with frence fries, sometimes he bought me a flower for no reason. And those things actually used to make things easy when we got into fights and arguments. And we never used to leave any argument at the middle, calm our self and talk. In our 3 years relationship with all ups and down those things used to make things work, even though we had little times. We broke up because our paths were different, and we were not ready to give up our own goals. Our future plans weren’t ending at the same points. We are still friends. But couples who really want their relationships to work, THIS is a great advice to work on.

  5. Sherborne Prometheus

    I read this and amazed how far you and Will have gone so far in maintaining your relationship. That’s gotta be such a commitment going on there. But I was rather in doubts after watching recent videos with you guys talking rather spiteful at each other. In your last video of 2013, you even ‘teased’ Will saying your engagement to him is not even a surefire of you two getting married. I know it’s laced with playful remarks, but don’t you think it’d make Will think you’re not serious about your relationship, or worse that you don’t love him anymore? I know I know, I’m not the one who’s there picking out every blink of an eye moment that happen after the camera is off, but still my gloomy heart is crushed everytime such moment happens to you both (I know, I have no life lol). Gosh I think I need to getaway from the internet once in a while, I’m way too invested in your life than I should be.

  6. Well done piece that is very realistic. As my mother used to say: a couple can live on love…until breakfast.

  7. Nicely said! I like the bank account simile. Never actually thought about it like that. I think the fact that you show that a relationship is not all rainbows and brightness is one of the reasons your followers like you and respect your opinion. It’s one of my reasons. (there are others). I agree, you have to work on the relationship with your partner and if you’re not willing to do that then maybe you don’t love them like you thought you did.

  8. Francesca Lupinetti

    Great job, great advice RJ!

  9. Great article, RJ! One of the things that is important for me in a relationship is to allow for growth, in yourself and your partner. In the course of life, I have dated both men & women but I have been married for the past 27 years to a really great guy. Fundamentally people don’t change, but circumstances do and if you can’t be flexible enough to weather the storms you’ll never make it. I think it’s really important to know who you are in your own right & to love yourself just as you are (warts and all). Self acceptance is a journey people often mask with “things”, they hide behind stuff, rather than face what’s in the mirror.
    I heard Dan Savage answer a question put to him in a lecture about finding the “One”, and his response was this,”You find someone close to your criteria and round up .” The qualities that may be lacking in your choice of partner is the “price of admission”. You decide if you can or can’t live with a particular quality or character flaw. Just sayin’. Forgive the ramble, just my 2 cents.

  10. I have to agree with RJ on every single word he has been written. My husband and I have been together for 11 years and are married for almost 5 years now 😉 Time flies when you are having fun! 🙂

  11. I think it also helps if you leave a toxic workplace. RJ, you seem a lot happier since you left AC.

  12. couldn’t have said it better myself.

  13. Can we just talk about how much I ADORE this article?! I LOVE your writing ,RJ.

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