I suppose I should start this post by thanking LG.
Prior to owning their go-phone, I scoffed at the idea of owning a smart phone. I actually found myself mocking the people who were tethered to their iPhones and Droids like it was supplying them with an IV. I absolutely cringed at the idea of being reachable by phone, text, email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. at all times. To me, smart phones represented the death of true social interaction. I forsaw a future where “parties” and “get togethers” would simply comprise of people being in the same room while they stared at a bunch of tiny screens. I had planned on abstaining from such devices for as long as humanly possible. I just wanted something that I could use to talk, text, and take the occasional picture.
So when my phone stopped working this past January (if you watch our first ever everyday vlog, you can see what became of my old phone), I had no desire to replace it with anything fancy. I didn’t want too many bells or whistles, I just wanted something reliable. The only problem was that, since AT&T didn’t feel responsible for the defective phone that they gave me, I was on the hook for the entire cost of any phone. That day, I went to Target with the intent of running other errands, but I checked the electronics department to see if they would be able to help me with my problem. Lo and behold, out of nowhere came the LG Cosmos, which seemed like a viable option. It had all the essentials (including a keyboard for easier texting) and none of the fluff. Better yet, it was even on sale. Hindsight now tells me that I should have known better, but at the time, I considered this phone to be my salvation.
That feeling dissipated the moment I powered it on. Let’s forget the fact that the phone locked me out completely the first time I tried to use it. That was partially due to user error. But once I finally did manage to jump through all of the necessary hoops to finally gain access to my own phone, I was greeted by counter-intuitive menu designs, a supposed touch-screen that didn’t actually do anything, a keyboard that wasn’t always responsive, and a “chat view” for text messaging that turned out to be a sad imitation of the view you see on today’s smart phones. When I began typing out text messages, the shift key and symbol key were more caps lock keys. They would stay on until I hit them again. So if I wanted to capitalize a single letter or insert punctuation, I’d have to hit the caps or symbol button before and after. This may seem like a huge inconvenience at first, that is until you try to use words like “I’d” or “I’ll” or “I’m” in a sentence. Then it gets pretty annoying.
Yet, despite my initial reservations with this phone, I encouraged myself to be patient. “Relax,” I reassured myself, “you’re just still used to your old phone. You’ll get used to this one sooner or later.” I guess you could say that I’ve gotten used to this phone by now. But I had no idea the kind of shenanigans that I’d be getting used to over the course of the following nine months. By now, I’m used to the fact that features like my alarm clock will turn themselves on and off completely at random. I’ve made peace with the fact that I can’t receive a vast majority of the picture messages that people try to send me. I’ve even started getting used to the fact that this phone will suddenly stop notifying me when I get new text messages. It’s not like it randomly toggles with some sort of notification setting, either. It’ll just start treating new text messages as already-received text messages. So I’ll periodically have to go digging through my inbox to make sure that this phone isn’t trying to hide any messages from me. Oh, and let’s also not forget the fact that, every so often, this phone enjoys shutting itself off while it’s in the process of sending a text message. I’ll hit the send button, it’ll tell me it’s sending, and then it will just turn off for no apparent reason. The message itself never gets sent, either. Nine times out of ten, the receiving party gets nothing but a blank message. So I have to go through the process of turning my phone back on, inputting passwords, and waiting for the thing to boot up before I can go back to my messages, open up the conversation I was having, and start my message all over again. By the time that happens, I usually forgot what I was going to say. That, or the person I’m texting has already moved on to bigger and better things.
So again, thank you, LG, for preparing me to take the plunge into smart-phone ownership. Because of you, the idea of being too reachable sounds like a pleasure cruise compared to the prison camp that is owning your phone. Every day I have this phone in my hand, I feel like I’m in a horrible digital reenactment of The Miracle Worker. I can safely say that this is hands down the worst phone I have ever had the displeasure of owning or using, and that includes the corded touch-tone phones I used as a kid (at least they didn’t make any promises they couldn’t keep). After owning this phone, I now know exactly what it must have been like for Frodo—to have to carry that evil with you and have it weigh heavily on your soul for what seems like an eternity. Now the only thing that remains is to ensure that this evil is destroyed, and can no longer corrupt the world with its very existence. My first instinct would be to use a sledgehammer, but I already did that with my old phone. Perhaps I should shove it in a blender. Maybe I can run it over after sticking it in the microwave. Or maybe I should bring it down with me to Tampa so that I can use it as target practice for my brother’s high-powered pellet gun.
Nevertheless, the day when I finally receive a new iPhone 5 will be a glorious day. Not only will I finally be fit to join this decade, but I will finally exact some sweet, smirking vengeance on the tiny terror that has caused me so much pain and suffering and grief. So all my subscribers can look forward to a video in the future where I finally stand atop the carnage that used to be the LG Cosmos and laugh maniacally at its demise. Oh, and I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be understandably hesitant to purchase any other product from this company ever again. Just be glad I’m not reporting them to the U.N. for crimes against humanity.