July 21, 2017
advice articles
Distant Parents

Distant Parents

Hey Will and RJ

I’m 22 and from Canada! That’s right, you have a subscriber (probably many) up north he he. My situation is this:

I’ve been out for a whole year and 4 months to my parents but the entire time they have never brought it up at all!! Never ask me anything, never talk about it. Especially my mother. I came out to her in a letter and she has yet to talk to me about what was said in the letter. I’ve wanted to be the one to bring it up and finally clear the air but I feel that she has to come to me and I already made the first step. What should I do? I am almost in the same situation as you had mentioned, even though she knows, I still feel like I have to lie about being with my gay friends or trying to meet someone. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to lie and sneak around anymore, that’s the whole point when we come out, tcould you please give me some advice as to how to deal with the situation?

PS: All my friends know and are greatly supportive and accepting. My parents won’t entertain the notion. Why is it that the people who are so close to me (my parents) the ones who are having troubles with my coming out as opposed to those who are not as close to me (being my friends)?

I had a VERY similar situation for about 4 years after coming out to my mom. Even though I came out to her when I was 16, I really didn’t breech the topic of… “gay things” until I was at least 20. I didn’t date around while in high school and my first group of gay friends in college I kept away from her for the first 2 years of having them. It wasn’t until I was well into my first relationship (the boyfriend before RJ) that I decided to include her in on anything, and that was from growing tired of trying to avoid it.

In my opinion, I feel the easiest thing to do is to act as nonchalant as possible when mentioning anything that may ruffle some feathers, and don’t belabor the point should a conversation turn toward the uncomfortable. Your parents probably still need a little time to adjust and acting as if it’s a non-issue (which it really is) may help give them some perspective. They may even be looking to you for a little guidance on how to act, so if you let them know that you’re comfortable, maybe they’ll meet you half way. Of course, this is all assuming that your parents are at all rational, which probably isn’t the case. Since when have parents ever been rational?

Learning from RJ’s experiences, his parents said that they needed time to adjust, but RJ forced them into a situation where they had to interact with me. It was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, but it was just what they needed. I think they went in expecting the worst and then realized that I was nothing like what they were expecting, and that was a breath of fresh air for them. And now they’re growing more and more comfortable each day.

Point is, your parents should dictate how you wish the deal with the situation, so you will ultimately be the person to decide how to handle it. As always, be honest and patient, and hopefully they’ll respond.


About Will

Will is a recent graduate from Florida State University and transplant to Los Angeles who makes the occasional video on YouTube documenting his life with his fiancé and German Shepherd.

One comment

  1. Well put Will.

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