June 22, 2017
advice articles
Am I Changing?

Am I Changing?

Hey Will and RJ. My name is James. I have watched you guys for months now (I’m a real big fan). I just came out as gay to my friends and family on Facebook a couple of months ago. I have been single since 2011 and it has been hard. I want to thank you guys because you guys bring me happiness with your videos. The point of me messaging you guys is that I need some advice. Lately I have been feeling like I have been acting more and more feminine and my friends have said the same thing. Also, Before I accepted the fact that I was gay I really didn’t understand or like drag queens. Now I can’t stop watching videos on them. Is that a sign? I don’t know what to think or do. What does it mean? Any advice helps. Thanks guys =)

I’m actually glad you brought this up because this was an issue I found myself going through when I entered university. I found myself acting more and more effeminate and when I thought back on it, it made me upset. I didn’t want my sexuality to change who I was, but I noticed I was starting to act more and more like the gays with whom I surrounded myself. I went through all high school not really letting my sexuality affect my mannerisms and all of a sudden I almost didn’t recognize myself. Not to mention I was almost disgusted with myself since I found “straight acting” gays SUPER attractive and I wanted to do whatever I could to be as attractive as possible.

But after a while I began to realize what really mattered: was I comfortable in my own skin? It doesn’t matter what I found attractive or who I was in the past or who I will be years down the road, because I’m living right now. Yeah, so you make act more effeminate, but who cares? Life is too short to over-analyze your mannerisms.

You have to keep in mind that people change over time, for better or for worse. If you know someone who is exactly who they were a year or even a month ago, tell him/her I feel sorry for him/her. I almost find the fact that we change comforting though, because you can’t have progress without change…. this is getting too philosophical.

What I’m trying to say is, the fact that you’re getting effeminate doesn’t have to be a bad thing, unless you want it to be. If so, start making a conscious effort to revert back to who you were/the person you want to be, if you feel it’s necessary. In my opinion, I think you’re fine as you are and you shouldn’t let what anyone else thinks change how you think of yourself, but that’s just my humble opinion. You ultimately have to decide for yourself since you’re the only person who’s responsible for your happiness.

About Will

Will is a recent graduate from Florida State University and transplant to Los Angeles who makes the occasional video on YouTube documenting his life with his fiancé and German Shepherd.

9 comments

  1. I had a similar experience when I started college, and I didn’t start until I was 23. It was the first time I could sort of ‘reset’ how everyone perceived me. I could be openly gay (or not); it was my decision and that was amazing to me at the time.

    And lord… did I let that flame burn. It was ridiculous how over-the-top I could become, especially around a group of girls or a bunch of gay friends. It toned down and while I still love me some Broadway it’s much more balanced now.

    I wouldn’t waste too much time worrying unless it’s a behavior you really, really don’t like about yourself. You’re openly gay now; it’s natural to become a bit obsessed over iconic aspects of LGBT culture. That deluge of exposure is probably also affecting your personality temporarily. And who knows; maybe drag will be a passion of yours. Just because you like one thing doesn’t mean you can’t ‘be’ more than it.

  2. Many L.G.B.T. people have a bit of an identity wobble when they come out. I have witnessed this in my friends as well as experiencing it myself. I was so used to having to watch what I said and how I behaved while in the closet so that no one would suspect that I was gay. When I did finally come out I didn’t quite know who I was with that secret told. As a result I reverted to lesbian stereotypes to inform how a dressed and expressed myself. it tool me a couple of years to move beyond that into an identity that actually fits me. I am not the same person that I was when I was in the closet, nor do I allow a steriotype to inform my self expression, I am just me.

  3. This change could also be who you really are and the fact it’s coming out now might just mean you’re more comfortable in your own skin to be yourself. Change is going to happen. As long as you’re happy and safe, let it just happen.

  4. Speaking as someone who hasn’t come out to her family yet due to an uncomfortable family situation, I can’t really speak completely from personal experience. By I do have several gay guy friends, and a couple of them have mentioned feeling a lot like this when they first came out as well. They weren’t sure how this would change how they acted around me and our other friends, and so things were a little different for a while.

    That being said, it’s never a bad thing to change unless you are uncomfortable with yourself. Everyone changes over time, and they change based on who THEY are and not what everyone else thinks they are. The most important thing is that you are true to yourself. Don’t let someone else change who you are. If you’re not comfortable with something about yourself, you can change it. And change it. And change it, and just keep changing so that the way you act is reflective of who you truly are.

    For me, that’s become one of the most important aspects of my life. It’s only been recently that I’ve started to really define myself instead of letting others define me. High school sucks while I’ve been trying to be myself while everyone wants to step on me. Luckily, I’ve found some amazing friends who stick by my side and keep me centered. Because it’s not about what society wants me to be, it’s about who I am.

    So pretty much, my view is that it’s a good thing that people change over time as long as they’re being true to their inner self. You just need to be you and be true to yourself.

  5. What I remember from coming out 6 years ago, is that I relaxed more about my mannerisms. If a situation was fit, I joked around with a limp wrist and a proper “du-uh!”, but I reverted right back afterwards. For a long time, I couldn’t quite decide whether I was effeminate or masculine in expression, as I wore feathers in my ear, bought a skirt just for the hell of it (I still have it, by the way) and I joked around with that limp wrist yet I felt masculine. Today, I realize after hearing it from both boyfriends and bed-mates that I’m through and through masculine in appearance, despite the feathers and the limp wrist. The feathers are just style, and the limp wrist a friendly reminder that I am in fact gay despite appearances.

    What I’m saying is, it could be that you’re just relaxing more with your mannerisms. Luckily, that’s something you can control, like Will says, but don’t control too much. Relax and play it by ear.

  6. I feel like when you first come out and don’t have to hold back your feelings anymore you kind of let loose. I know I did when I came out over a year ago, the same kind of happens with everything though. Just like the first time you drink alcohol, you want to do it again and you go a little crazy for a while, then you calm down and just do it on occasion. I feel like this is the exact same thing, or at least it was for me.

  7. I think a lot of gays go through this when they just come out. I know I did when I was a freshman in college. Sexuality is something that is a part of who we are, and if that part of us has been suppressed then we are naturally going to go through major changes when it is no longer suppressed.

    A lot of gays go to the extremes when they come out …. acting either super butch or super effeminate …. mainly just to test the waters and see where they fall. We all (hopefully) fall into place eventually, and that place is a place of comfort where you feel like you’re being your best version of you. It can definitely be a stressful and difficult process, but a necessary one.

  8. Don’t let the stereotypes wear you, wear them at your pleasure.
    That’s all 🙂

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